watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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