I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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