I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
