there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
