this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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