I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
