Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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