The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
