i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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