My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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