get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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