oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
