I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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