we have officially lost it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
