My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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