Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
