Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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