I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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