checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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