I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
