I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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