The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
