my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
