I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Couch. On fire.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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