i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
