It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
