my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
