Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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