you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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