he wants to bone in the snuggie
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
