Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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