Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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