You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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