is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
