if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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