she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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