So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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