So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
