8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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