Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
zippers are such a cool invention
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
