After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
