I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
