how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
