I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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