she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
