I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
