I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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