Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
