Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my poor anus
And then my night got REAL pukey
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
