I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
